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knowing


written december 2021


i woke up this morning shaking in my boots at 4am. or rather, shaking in my sweatpants, laying in my bed.


and as much as i tried to tell myself “the body experiences a cortisol kick at this time in the sleep cycle. you likely had caffeine or sugar too late yesterday. everything is fine.”


my body wouldn’t believe it. so i put one hand on my stomach, one hand on my chest and took in deep breaths.


i heard from within that the changes i am experiencing are scaring the child in me. the part of me that always worries a little, that needs to know who i am today, has her back.


and so we talked, me and younger me, laying there in my bed at 4 in the morning. the fears she expressed were familiar :: i don’t have what it takes. what if this time, the change, the pain is just too much?


i listened to her. i felt her trembling inside of me. she is, after all, me.


the thoughts that eventually soothed us back to sleep were simple. were true. for those are the qualities most comforting to a child in terror.


i told her that i hear her and that i understand why she is scared. that i am scared too.


but that the Truest parts of me believe that our fears are not rooted in what is true.


what is true is that we are embarking on a journey that is guided by our inner Knowing.

this Knowing is a source deep inside that has always loved us, spoken up for us and urged us towards where we need to be. sometimes, we have questioned the logic of this Knowing, but She has always, in time, shown us how divinely perfect Her promptings are.


we do not know right now all of the reasons why She is leading us where we are going. but we can trust that because we are honoring Her, respecting Her Knowledge and living by it more than ever before :: there are beautiful reasons.


we are not embarking on a money-back guarantee of the soul. there are no such things.

we are walking, hand-in-hand, in our matching yellow sweaters, into a vast unknown.


in our backpacks are water bottles, notes from loved ones, only a few books, and cashews.

in our hearts are courage, strength, and boundless love.

there is nothing on our feet because we have promised to feel it all.

our compasses are guided by freedom, joy, safety, and love.


my love, we are going to be alright. hell, we are going to be Divine.



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